I get extremely introspective -
Therapy = great for neck & shoulder; my neck strong, and will get stronger - my natural curve almost back after being destroyed by my accident & then my aspen collar to the point that I can stand tall, back up against the wall and head, chin in straight back against the wall, shoulders back and relaxed, I am no doubt at least an inch taller in just three weeks but my hands (expressing this due to the CCS post and website) are number, stiffer, buzzier than ever with right increasing at a rapid rate. As my neck, shoulders return to pre-accident (07/14/2008) - neck healed (Is there anything broken in there! NO!) ROM probably @ 70% and increasing - my freaking hands & forearms get worse and worse even sending electric shockwaves up my fingers and inner forearm making the back of my hand sore ...... this brings the anger, the anger of those who did this to me; the bastards who can not stand and admit their omissions and negligence ... Yes I am suing them, the only non-violent thing I can do and if I do not receive just compensation from their insurance companies because their $1,000,000 limits have been exhausted I will pursue them in excess of their limits and attach liens on their businesses --- yet even with this I must live the rest of my life with my hands & forearms not even at base because base changes below the line every single freakin' day because of them - plateau desired yet not achieved since 07/14/2008, the pain & suffering they have inflicted on me and continue to inflect on me as if they did it out of hate with no remorse ... I am so fucking angry and its making me so introspective as the dark days come - most find a balance; I have a great deal to look forward to including hopefully having at least a cup of coffee or beer/margarita with you if you find time in November and fond memories of my past but I have this constant reoccurring anger towards those who did this to me.
I don't feel right to complain or rain on your parade as you heal and return to pre-10/04/2010 norm --- I feel bad writing you this but you are the only one I share with or even care to share with but now I feel bad in doing so.
Being introspective is not bad I must use this time to find my present day into soul, my pre-07/14/2008 fabric with you now in it and release this anger but it is hard when those who did this to me can not say "FRED we are sorry ..."
Re: As I get angry ( I replied)
Look FRED
It sucks....it's quite normal to feel anger. you are still grieving and you grieve in little ways everyday. We move through the stages of grief, but it's never over. When we move through them we also go back to them. It's all a process. Just breathe :)
Choices....my choices today are...
live with the scalding nerve pain and focus away from it, have more function
succumb and take the pills, lose some nerve pain but also sensation and function.
use dragon or don't
If i have a lot of emails is there anything I need my hands for in the next few hours?
walk or don't
how shaky am I? is this the wall I've hit or will this pass?
Every day we are faced with these and more...we always will be. It's hard to accept this as the 'new normal'. In times of stress, lack of sleep, weather changes, full moon, over work, illness, drunkenness....etc. We are more symptomatic. I'm watching for patterns in mine. On Sunday the nerve pain and my tremors were all back. I knew the weather was turning and something was coming.
Yesterday...zero hour for the lock up....
I cracked the bumper of my car on someone's bumper last night leaving football practice. my fault, but I'm still pissed ...i can't turn my head all the way. I had to correct the angle of my turn to accommodate some kids, I did and whacked the edge of my car to avoid hitting children or the two other bastards pulling in and backing out behind me. I'm pissed as hell that I can't do so many of the things I just did before without thinking. I'm also coming to terms with the fact that it's not safe for me to back out of a parking space and I always have to pull through. Especially sucky because the only 2 handicapped spots are back out spots. Spry people watching me pull in and then asking me "how much longer will you need that cane? you should just be able to park on the field" Also, these are men...not one single time have they offered to help carry anything or do anything. I have had women help me and one Dad helped me put tickets in envelopes because I can't work my fingers that well.
My son failed an Algebra test and is in the doghouse
I yelled at him and made myself upset, now we both don't like me
I had a nasty headache building
It's a never ending cycle of life…I can’t handle a lot more right now…I’m breaking and I need a break.
But the good…there is always good.
Yesterday zero hour for the neck lock up
My oral surgeon check up went well...I go back in Feb
I took some good shots of fall foliage
My son now understands how to write an algebraic equation for something he didn't understand before and also knows that 500p is not the same thing as 500+p
I have all the 7th grader's trophies
I did a fairly decent job walking around and pushed myself to walk around for a few hours yesterday at a good clip
I got 2 loads of laundry done
I didn't hit the 2 morons who pulled in and backed out behind me or the idiot kids who ran in behind me, so I cracked some plastic on my car...big deal
I can drive
People were burning leaves and it smelled so Fall-y
My friend from Cali called me last night (vocal hugs)
I told 2 friends via text about my day and they shared their bad days too...(textual hugs)
I make lists and weigh out the good vs the bad. I always try to stick more in the good column.
My neck curve is gone forever...the plate at 5/6/7 saw to that, plates don’t bend. The stress above and below is pretty bad and gives me a headache from neck strain daily. I move my neck constantly and avoid much of it during the day...by 5pm I'm DONE, sadly practice starts at 5:30.
......sorry I will be incommunicado for a while again, I caught your email and you seemed angry.
RE: RE: As I get angry ...
I like it when you ramble ... I can imagine the two of us in person chatting naturally with the understanding of what the other one is not only saying but feeling. This is why I feel so close to you, sounds silly but I yearn for you .... wish we lived close.
The anger is with me and will stay - its a madness not a grieve - they injured me, it is 100% their fault & they can't admit it; I don't hate but their acts & omissions (no flagger, warning, etc.) have caused this daily "disability" - their sole acts of blatant negligence and not only do they not admit it they attempt to show I was wrong, causing my own injury. Each day I do not have closure via a favorable settlement hence the courts saying they are the wrongdoers not me my anger must be held in abeyance but when I become introspective, feel my hands buzzing, my forearms swarming with bees I think how it I get here and I know it is because of them.
YOUR SON is somewhat like my son re this subject but my son did it all the time ... MY SON is very smart, intuitive but school never blended with him - he would consistently sit with a failing grade with the need to ace his final to get an average C. He would consistently place himself against the Wall causing much stress, unnecessary conflict but he would prevail in the end --- I would look at him and say "why the hell do you consistently do this to yourself?" but it would happen over and over again. We have to play bad cop at times, we have to make our children and loved ones aware ... I know how you feel afterwards but know what you did is right, and you are a fine Mom.
You will get your curve back as you heal ... "just keep on keeping on!"
Hypersensitivity
I not sure what other word to call the sensation other than vibratey :)
As I mentioned I keep a short hand journal in my "At A Glance" Calendar that I keep at my desk at work ... I enter all activities (at least all I can remember so I guess that's all) ... all my notes, research, etc. I can not find rhythm or reason why some days are vibratey ... I can have a great night's sleep and get up late for me on Saturday at say 7:30AM and by the time I walk down my hallway, say "Good Morning Phish" and pull the coffee pot out of the machine feel totally vibratey for no known reason --- "Why are my brain & nerves out of sync? I haven't even done anything!" I have had several worse days on the weekend when you would think the total opposite. Why do we feel cold? Reason why I have morphed into a cat, seeking heat & warmth constantly. Damn its 100 degrees out, I am sweating but from my elbows I am in a bucket of ice. (Wish I could warm you :) I know my hands are cold to the touch but they are freezing inside! Layers on the body, wrap a scarf around your neck (you are in the house so who can see that person bundled up like she is going out to shovel snow! Make yourself a pot of tea, or coffee .... my kids doctor always told me to give my kids their bath just before bed to relax them --- make yourself a nice hot bubble bath, indulge yourself, nice terry cloth robe and slippers or just drive under the covers and drift off to your favorite spot - don't lay fetal, lie on your tummy, ear on the bed - that side have your arm and leg bent so the elbow is near the knee with the other arm and leg straight ... opposite shoulder flat on the mattress and just sink into the mattress without a care OR put a towel under your back, side to side not down your spine (but you could do this too) about 3/4 way down your back, lay there, arms spread out, wrists open to the ceiling, fingers wide, wrist bent back and just open your chest, your shoulders sinking into the mattress and arms free ... no neck on the pillow, if a pillow a flat one - lay like your are being crucified without a care ... breathe, think about breathing in through your nose, out through a small hole in your pretty lips :) If you don't have music on, your will have it running through your mind :)
Giver
I am sure I told you that I'm a Giver ...
Days like yours started ... I would absolutely love being your Giver - caring for you, making you comfortable, warm - maybe a little Autum ride and some hot cider.
Give you a nice massage ... just make you happy inside --- they say you are not suppose to ask for certain things but this is a nice dream that I have :)
Always know someone out there cares for you :)
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