FRED, I really have a lot going on and I do not have time to read everything. I will eventually catch up, I hope. I’m dealing with a lot of stress, headaches, the weather, and my family life comes first right now. I’ll file these and read them later. I just need a break from everything...I have a lot to process and do, I feel like I'm falling into a bit of a pit and I just need to absorb things.
LINDA
When I came home from inpatient rehab ...
I was home alone with my feeding tube first up through my nose and then planted in my belly (I have a permenant second belly button now from the puncture wound scar) and my IV pole.
Alone with mind filled with thoughts, anger, hope ... my body with the appearance of just being released from Auschwitz. The mind can truly dip one into a bad funk - I slept too much.
I knew I should get up and walk but didn't want to ... I forced myself to each time coming home and collapsing on the couch or bed which was not the most comfortable due to my aspen collar.
We teeter at times like this, times like you today probably brought on to start with fat ass last night. Its easy to roll down that hill but you have to right yourself and stand or sit in Nellie firm.
Damn It you've thrown so much shit at me wanting to take me down but I will not allow it - I've got SON's practice, I've got SON, my hubby ... I want to go window shopping and I want my shoes!!
You've got to push yourself over the ledge ... no one else can and you know it. I know it too and I know you can do it! You have the deep desire to recover, know the road is hard to succeed and you want to live!
I had a good friend I cycled with - he is an alcohol and drug abuse counseler ... we chatted a lot about my daughter (unrelated to his profession) because he was a good listener ... he said the problem with most in recovery is falling off the wagon and not the act of falling off but the lesson not learned and lack of effort to get back on or over the ledge. 99.9% fall off the wagon there is nothing to be ashamed of in doing so, you should not feel guilty, remorse or defeated - you must recant the events and cause of why? And set a plan next time to deal with the situation - use it as another learning tool LINDA; I know its damn freakin' hard and therefore we need days off due to fatigue factor, etc. but get back outh there soon and face those bastards!
From your last note ...
I truly wish I were your neighbor ...
but in reality LINDAyou are going to have to brace yourself and ready yourself for winter ... weather and being in the dark affects us, all of us regardless of our SCI.
You are going to have to find a way to occupy your mind more than anything and to get out "to blow the stink off you" (as my Mom always said) as much as posiible.
You look great so don't succumb to eating for no other reason than boredom - small frequent healthy feedings and this works because a cup of something is right for you.
I saw someplace that you like to sew ...don't know if you still can with fine motor down. Set up a nice plan to keep your mind above the red line, the positive line because it is so easy to dip below as you know.
I will do what I can from here to be your daily pest, fan and friend :)
Lastly - its OK to fall off the wagon ... when we do we have to determine why and learn from it; it will make you even better than you are already!
I have this extremely pleasant
and erotic dream that repeats itself in theme in different settings ... it is something I do not desire to leave me & I find I must journal at the right time, when I have time to do it justice :)
Makes me perky!!!
Re: I’m Sorry
You never have to say sorry to me LINDA ... Dealing with permanent issues such as your headache take priority - I just get concerned -- as a person who never gets headaches I feel for you ... E-mails are like journals they can wait - dropped you line on EMG - simply all is well :)
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Birthdays
I know your recent history does not bode well with the timing of your birthday ... most unfortunate to taint a joyous, fun day, weekend, week with bad memories.
You will have someone thinking of you on 10/10 which may not be any different than any day but on 10/10 I hope you can truly feel the vibes being sent your way.
When I met WIFE 15 years ago she hated birthdays ... another year older, greyer, etc. She now loves them and joins in the celebration just as she now embraces being a grandma.
If I were your neighbor ... you would have a great birthday, and you would smile
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